This is a guest post written by Itnug. He likes to describe himself as “omnivorous, light-minded and always happy”, and blogs at http://itnug-tidesoftime.blogspot.in
Hell – o new readers. This kinda thing is a little new to me – writing guest posts. Usually I write for my friends. But then again phunny mahesh – unless god forbid, he turned into a belieber – is my friend. I couldn’t turn down the offer. In fact, the moment he asked me to write a post, I decided I’d write about him. But his next line ruined all my plans. He wanted me to write about love.
There were two more words after love but I can’t remember. Let’s put that aside for the time being. So I was like, “Of all the wonderful things that you can think of… “. Don’t look at me guys, I’m not going to write about love and phani in the same post. That would raise so many unwanted questions. sfx: shivers
What can ‘ I ‘ possibly say about love? Ask me about pain man. Ask me about self-loathing. Ask me about heartbreaks and evil schemes. These things are what I’m really good at. But then you want nothing to do with these. You want the sugar coated ‘L’ word. For that I guess I have to rewind my tape back 4 years.
That was my second love. Okay I’m being fair here. First love always seems so magical. It is the second one that always counts. And you, those who settled for the first love, don’t kid yourself. You had a crush on someone else before this and you know it. So where was I again? Yeah second love. Lets call her Love. With a capital L. She was everything that I am not and she was nothing that I am. Kinda like an adjacent jigsaw piece. She was… the missing piece of the puzzle. Everything made sense. opposite poles attract. ionic bonding. plus x minus = minus. Okay the third one is not helping my point.
Anyway, so there she was, sitting in the third bench. Chirping like a sparrow. She was talking to her friends. Laughing like music. It was like all my senses heightened. Everything seemed slow, except her. As I started noticing my new found super power, my sense of hearing concentrated on her. The rest of the class faded away into the background. My brain was short-circuited, thoughts stayed in an infinite loop, lost track of reality and went into hyper-drive. And then, she looked at me.
My heart skipped a beat. The illusion shattered. She was not alone. the whole class was looking at me. I realized that my friend was shaking me. I thought fast, “Say something, anything.” But all I could think was the image of her. Every strand of her hair, every wrinkle beside her eyes, every contour of her face was vivid in my eyes. Sound of her voice as clear as bell. Somehow, I managed an ‘I was sleeping with my eyes open’. I don’t think anyone believed that. If they did, then I wouldn’t have had the most wonderful year of my life.
Wait a second. That’s it, the other two words were ‘and life’.
Wow this changes things. Talking about love is easy. Just be gooey and romantic and imaginative. Be in a dreamland. But then comes the devil – Reality. Even the “love”-saturated, about-to-be-married couples say, “Till death do us apart”. Life. Against it love has an entirely different meaning. Love is the look in our Mom’s eyes when she first held us. Love is the emotion that Dad feels when he’s waiting outside the operation theater. Love is the feeling our uncles and aunts and grandparents feel when we recite ‘twinkle twinkle little stars’ for them. Love is the tingling that YOU feel when you become the mom/dad/uncle/aunt in the above situations. Now again, life is not just a human possession. All the animal, wild and tamed, and even plants have life. And they feel love too. A plant that grows loved, grows taller. So what is love really? and Life?
Well folks, All I could give was examples. I’m trying to get a solid definition myself. They say, “That wisdom comes with age.” They say,”You’ll know when you love” Speaking of “Love”, she left me. Because I was younger than her, She was moving to a different state and we did not share a caste anyway. The word that hurt me most is the ‘anyway’. It felt like that word grew hands, learned how to forge a dagger, forged it and then stabbed me with it. Hundred times- no , eighty six thousand and four hundred times a day.
Caste system? Bullshit. The pain felt like vomiting my intestines.
Religion? Mass Idiocy. The stab wounds healed, to make place for new ones.
God? Non- existent. I lost my faith in love.
Then I turned my pain into anger. I cursed her. I cursed love. I cursed caste system. I cursed the word ‘anyway’. And I cursed the whole English language for containing that word.
Then I felt guilty. The anger I showed on everything backfired. Somehow all those negative thoughts redirected towards me. I loathed myself. Then I thought about her. The laughs she shared. The fun we had. Everything that she did till now felt like she planned all of them beforehand. It broke my heart. One half contained the broken shell of me. and the other contained a girl with an evil smirk on her face. It was not Love. It looked a lot like her though. Then I imagined hurting her. Making her suffer as I’m suffering. Made up evil scenarios where she always is the victim. Then I would laugh at her. Like a maniac. I would gain pleasure from her pain. I will….
“Whatcha doin?”, She asked.
“Nothing I was just sleeping with my eyes open”, I stammered.
“You were crying.” She said.
“Was I? Oh you know dust and all… That’s why we should close our eyes when we sleep”, I said as I composed myself.
“You’re a terrible liar” She said.
“So I was told. Did anyone else see?”
“No. your secret’s safe with me…”
“..IF, you tell me what you were dreaming”
” That’s a story for another time love. I’m Itnug by the way. Wanna be my friend?” I offered her my hand.
“Hmm, lets see, a mysterious loner guy who has nightmares in daytime. Hard to decide..”
“What if I promise to tell you that story? They say I’m a great story teller.”
“Don’t believe me? Ask around.”
“No need for that. I believe you.”
“Then prove it. Shake my hand, tell your name and be my friend”
“Hehe smooth. I’m….”
A month later, she became my third love. And that, dear people, is life.